I haven't been blogging very much recently. Not that I don't have a lot to say, but I can't seem to find the words. A lot has been going on with our family, some good, some bad, some just life. Ok, mostly good and mostly just life, the bad is generally of our own making and related to our attitudes, which we are working on.
On the life/bad side, Monster's anxiety has really ratcheted up in recent weeks. If I were going to be melodramatic about it, I would say it is "completely out of hand" (which is what I originally wrote before editing). But it's not "out of hand" or out of control. It's just, well, more. He has a tough time not knowing where Mr or I are if we are at home. He seems to have to be able to see us on demand-so if he looks, he wants us to be where he thinks we should be. He has always not liked us taking showers around him, now our uttering the word "shower" can send him into a meltdown, or at least 5 minutes of him adamantly telling us no one is going to shower, which him only relenting when we agree, "no shower". One morning, when I was on my way to a water running class, Mr said something about me wearing my bathing suit (I had already put it on) and Monster had a fit. He was very scared or worried that I had my swimsuit on. I eventually got away from the house, but for the next few days he would constantly check to see if I had my swimsuit on.
Nights have gotten weird. With the time change, we have to face the problem with him not wanting to go to sleep with the sun still out. Then, a few weeks ago, Monster decided he needed both of us in bed with him. "Three", he tells us. Then, just in case we haven't learned "zachery speak", he will continue "Mommy and Daddy and Diego in the bed". On nights when we can't all be together, he will drive the attending parent a bit bonkers waiting for the other parent to get home. Once in bed, he is also very specific. He will say "Mommy here, Daddy there". Once asleep, we do put him back in his own bed. And every night, he climbs into the big bed at some point and becomes an octopus. If we haven't gone to bed yet, he'll come out looking for us.
In my more saner moments, I actually rejoice a bit in his behaviors. Instead of just having (what appears to be) random meltdowns and acting out that Mr and I have to try and figure out, he's telling us what he wants (though we still don't understand the why). When he has his crying tantrum over homework, I remind myself that he is telling us "no homework", "homework all-done". I do believe that his increased anxiety is related to him actually seeing the world around him and his trying to figure out his place in it.
Up until now, I've been able to ignore the social aspects of things. I've been so focused on him learning how to communicate, him having the right sensory experience, teaching him how to recognize when he needs certain things, etc. Now I'm finally starting to think about the future-those social parts I've been ignoring. How do I help him learn how to make friends? How am I going to answer him when asks about his differences? How am I going to deal with the fallout when he gets picked on? How am I going to know when he's feeling down or when he's having trouble? What happens when Mr and I aren't enough for him? We live in a fantastic community, but we don't have a local support system. We don't have people we can turn to for help, for comfort, for companionship. It takes time to develop those relationships under normal circumstances. When you have a special needs child, you seem to be even more isolated. When you are the newcomers, who live a very non-traditional lifestyle, well, things can be a bit more challenging. We've only been here 6 months, things take time.
:shudders:
Enough maudlin talk. We have a roof over our heads, food on the table. We live in a wonderful, beautiful town in an amazing state. I have a great job, which I enjoy and Monster is going to a school that is beyond whatever we could imagine for him in California-and it's a public school at that!
Monster was in his first school musical. It was the First Grade's tribute to music from around the world. Individual kids said a few words before each song and each of the classes were featured by standing in the front. Monster's class sang seventh with "Cockles and Muscles" (Which made me think of his grandmas). Monster got to play the xylaphone with some of the other children-up front and center. He missed some of his cues, played when he shouldn't have, but it sounded like heaven to me. He danced (and fell off the stands once-but got right back up), he sat when he was suppose to and stood when he was suppose to and clapped when he was suppose to (well sort of). It was magnificent.
It was a mid-morning performance and the house was packed. Many families were able to make it and you could see siblings, grandparent and parents all there. The program was 8 songs long (with one encore) and lasted about 35 minutes or so.
Monster stood with his classmates, on the end. We found out later that his aide was in the wings, next to him, but you couldn't tell during the performance. He was delightfully, wonderfully, happily average. Sometimes he paid attention, sometimes you could see him mentally wandering-as were other kids. He didn't always sit or stand immediately on cue, but neither did the other kids. He would dance, do the motions and not sing, as did other children.
When we were in the midst of the Great School District Battle, I never imagined that Monster would be standing on a stage with the other "normal" first graders, bouncing off-beat and having a great time. I felt so very "normal", except for the tears that wouldn't stop leaking from my eyes. We do have some video, though I'm not sure how good a quality it is. If it looks ok, I'll post some of it.
The challenges have gotten more difficult as he's "gotten better" (for want of a better phrase). I feel off-kilter, again, similarly to when we first started down this path. I think that's what is throwing me into a tailspin. After 5 years, I would expect to feel more in control, more capable, more competent. But I don't. I feel just as out of my element now as I did 5 years ago. Ok, that's a bit hyperbolic, isn't it? I'm older now, more mature, more educated on autism and I have a much thicker skin than I use to have. And I have my son, now. He's with me where he use to be in his own world.
Boy, do I need to keep remembering that. Things are going to be fine as long as my son is here, with me.
