One of the biggest challenges parents of children on the spectrum face, in my opinion, are the judgments and assumptions by other people who have little or no clue. Most of our children appear "normal". They don't use a wheelchair or have any characteristic physical features that say "disabled". So when Monster has a meltdown, we are just as likely to get the stink eye from passers by as the parents who can't control their spoiled little brat as we are the pitying look.
For the most part, I can ignore it, assuming I even notice anymore. As a self-defense mechanism, I tend to hyper focus on monster (probably too much so) when he starts a meltdown in public, maybe exaggerating what I do to calm him down to show that he is not "normal". I also try to give other parents the kind, understanding, look when other kids get out of hand, after all, I don't know what challenges that family may have been experiencing that day.
All in all, I consider myself fairly accepting and a bit Pollyanna-ish (just ask my friends at ihmmb).
Which is why I'm having a tough time with what I saw (and felt) yesterday.
We were at 6-flags again, indulging Monster in one of his favorite activities-go carts. One of the single drivers, a young man in his late teens/early 20's by my estimate, spun out and crashed hard into the track edge. No biggie, it happens. Not long after he got righted, he did it again. Then a third time-for which he was kicked off the course. I totally understand the need to get him off the track, an out of control driver is dangerous. As he was pushed off the course, he steered a fourth time into the wall and the crowd cheered as he was kicked out. Many were annoyed, some were mocking. My first thought was "what a twit for driving faster than he could do so safely". I admit, I get very annoyed and pissed off at the little punks who race each, cutting folks off and yelling at slow pokes (like me, which is why Mr takes Monster out).
As the race ended, I walked over to the exit to help get Monster away before he melts down for not being able to ride again. I noticed the same young man who was kicked off the ride. He was walking in circles, mumbling, and flapping his hands. As his friends go off the ride, one of which was another young man who I noticed was driving slow and having a hard time controlling the car, he spoke in a slow awkward way that was reminiscent (to me) of someone who has difficulty speaking.
I have no idea what special needs this young man had, nor those of at least one of his friends who I also suspect was developmentally disabled, though I'm sure at least one, if not both of them were disabled. My first thought was of shame-how can I, of all people, get caught in that judgmental trap of just assuming that a person is "normal" but acting like a jerk? After all my preachiness online about seeing past the obvious and trying to be more understanding, there I was being a judgmental bitch who silently agreed with the jeering crowd-that this young man was deserving of public humiliation. Even if he wasn't disabled, why had I jumped on the annoyance bandwagon? There was nothing overt in his behavior or demeanor that suggested he was deliberately trying to be a jerk by losing control. In fact, at the time I wondered if he just didn't understand English enough to figure out the signals and rules. Not everyone is good at driving those cars-I'm certainly not (which is why I try not to drive them). What a hypocrite I was to preach at others to look past the obvious and yet there I was doing that exact thing.
My second thought was that that kid could easily be Monster in about 10 or so years. Heck, to some extent, it's Monster now. It reminds me that in addition to teaching him how to try and find his way in this world, that everyone is different and it's ok to be different or to have struggles, but that he must also be patient with those who don't get that. Not only does he have to accept himself for who and what he is, but he has to accept (and ignore) that there are others who won't accept him no matter what; that he may be laughed at or mocked just because he is different. I remember how tough it was for an overweight geeky girl to do that in high school, and I was smart enough to understand, at least to some extent, that those people didn't really matter, nor did their opinions of me.
The thought is overwhelming. Sometimes I wonder why I'm fighting so hard for him to have an opportunity at a "normal" life when that path is so much more dangerous to him, in the long run. Not that I have a choice, this is the world in which we live and I need to prepare him to live in it. But am I setting him up for failure or success by trying to integrate him as fully as possible with the rest of the world? To tell him he can try to do and be anything he wishes-even if he fails at it.
If I can be as judgmental as I was yesterday, how can I ask the rest of the world to be accepting of him?
I can only hope that I can work past my own assumptions and perceptions and "become the change that I wish to see".
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